He puts his arm out and I step into him without thinking. He hugs me and I hug him. The intimacy feels so good, so reassuring, so encouraging, and so welcoming. My heart is beating furiously with the excitement of potential. I find myself pulling into his bony body. The sensations surging through me are surprising. How quickly and urgently they have sprung up within me. Suppressed for so long, they were apparently only pushed down just below the surface, denied but not removed.I hear him softly suggest I give my thoughts time … time to consider what it would mean. I am shaking my head as I step back from him. I am also blushing profusely, though only the exposure of my face can possibly reflect it from under the formal habit and head coverings of this order.“Don’t you see?”, I confide. “That outpost of the Magdalenes would be my ideal situation for the full person I am. A way to serve in the order while releasing my desires that are ready to burst from me. I have such a strong desire. When we were done eating, I followed her as we cleaned the dishes from the table, and in the small hallway leading to the kitchen, I grabbed my guts with both hands before chickening out and leaned in to whisper those words into her ear."I've seen the way you look at me." I still couldn't believe I said it, and as I tore myself away from her and moved ahead, my hands slightly trembling while holding the few dishes and going into the kitchen, I kept waiting for the sound of her movement, and I knew I had frozen her. Good for her. I was a hot mess and she was frozen. I thought for a second that we'd make a great physics exercise: find the final temperature when body A and body B are mixed together. I inhaled sharply and smiled as I picked up the conversation with the others, all the while my eyes riveted on the door frame, waiting for her to come in. She would be searching for my eyes, for answers to all the questions that would be swirling in her mind, and I was looking forward to.
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