And all because of being “in-milk”!” Amanda then asked curiously “do you always have sex after he suckles?” I answered, truthfully “yes – always – at least three times a day, every day of the year! Breastfeeding a man is the most sensual and sexual thing I have ever done – I’m permanently horny - always ready – morning, noon and night!” Amanda was looking very interested at this and then said “so why are you pumping? Do you always pump during the day when he’s at work? When does he normally drink you?” I explained that once you were established, you set your own pattern and then had to keep to it to maintain the flow and that, due to our routine, I needed to be suckled three times a day, every day, because otherwise my breasts would become engorged and painful and after a while, the milk would just dry up without demand. I explained that our routine was for Mark to suckle before going to work, as soon as he got home and then all evening (and sometimes, if I was lucky, at. I’m the oldest. Mine by rights.’ I couldn’t argue with his logic. I still didn’t want to give up my prize. ‘I’ll keep my bullet just the same,’ I said, and set my jaw as hard as I could. I must have looked fiercer than I felt, because he left it at that. ‘Fine. Keep it if it makes you feel better, baby.’ It did make me feel better. As much better as anything could make me feel. Evan looked back at Daddy, then after Silas, then the other direction, toward our own shack. He did this several times, as if making some great decision. ‘I need to get mama. You stay here.’ And with that, he walked off, toward our house, clenching his bullet, his not quite little boy shoulders squared against the weight of the world. Once he was out of earshot, I sat in the river loam by Daddy and sobbed myself ugly. I cried until the phlegm in my throat got so thick that I choked on it. And then I threw up until my ribs hurt before curling up on my daddy’s back and hugging him longer and harder than I ever.
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