In truth, I loved my secret puppet shadow despite fear her persona would destroy my life and family. Fear was part of the excitement. Yes, I enjoyed the sex, the subconscious interactions of animus and anima but it was more complicated. It was power, novelty, self-esteem but as Sister Joseph revealed, mostly pride which drove me like an addict, again and again betraying loved ones for pride’s rush.Yes, it was the rush I sought, the rush of the first night I crossed the threshold of Edward's apartment, the rush of pride which I never fully found again. Each affair a diminished high which failed to match the initial crossing but was still crossed over and over again. The rush was pride’s fulfillment diminished by repetition. Our lives are a Balinese puppet shadow, our movements are seen through an opaque screen with a lighted background. Reality behind the screen is what we believe from in front. My shadow now fades with old age. ‘Seeing you struggling to keep quiet in the library yesterday was so hot, so I decided to get this.’ She looked angry and worried. ‘But, it’s up to you if you want to use it or not.’ She stood silent for a while, then said, ‘I’ll think about it. Have you finished your homework?’ ‘I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.’ We decided to watch a movie in her room, and after, she let me sleep over. Nothing too exciting happened. I sensed her mood had been killed by the vibrator, and I didn’t want to agitate her more by asking her to have sex with me. We made out for a while then went to sleep. Erin woke me up in the morning with a kiss on the lips. There was something so incredibly calming about being woken up in that fashion. If she was my alarm clock every morning, I doubt I would ever have a ‘woke up on the wrong side of the bed’ day. She smelled like she had just taken a shower, and her wet hair confirmed that. She was wearing nothing but a towel. I pulled her down onto me and felt her skin,.
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