It was only around 7 and we were hoping as the night settled in more costumed groups would come out. I was extremely embarrassed and felt like everybody was staring at me. The girls all joked and repeatedly told me I looked great. Little by little by settled into the part and just went with it.We started out at one of my favorite bars in town, had some apps and drinks over very lively conversation. After being there for an hour or so we headed to another bar across the street. We still had only seen maybe 15 to 20 people that were dressed up.At the next bar we ordered drinks and asked the waitress where all the Halloween parties or dances were. She told us a couple of spots but said the dances didn't begin until 10. We hit a few more bars, drinking and killing time. Around 10:30 we went to the dance club, paid the door charge and headed in. The place was totally packed and it must have been 10 people deep waiting to get to the bar. The girls headed to the ladies room and I jumped in. I still want to hold your hand everywhere, at home, in public, during sex and while we sleep. I have so many questions that will have to remain unanswered. This loss, the slow grind of acceptance, is terrible. You fill my thoughts and my heart hurts. I wish for a different outcome. Crazy thoughts shoot through my head, bouncing off memories of you. What if I’d called sooner? I should have sent more little positive messages. I should have just asked permission to visit. If I had, you’d still be here, fighting. Then I wouldn’t have this huge ache inside. I recognize these thoughts as foolish, and I brush them aside. I focus on better, positive thoughts. On healthier imaginings. The other part of me is happy you no longer suffer. I couldn’t stand to hear you talk about the pain. It made me feel helpless, the simple words I had to offer seeming insignificant and paltry. The ache is eased simply knowing your pain is forever gone. I smile thinking of you reunited with your daughter..
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