I could almost hear my mother telling me to stop crying before my eyes froze shut, but I wanted them to be frozen. I wanted everything to be frozen so I could stop feeling. I didn’t want to feel the pain or rejection anymore and I had nobody to turn to. ‘She’ had made sure of that over the years, cutting me off from family and friends as I ignorantly followed like an obedient pup. This wasn’t the way I planned on spending my life when we first got together. I thought we would take care of and love each other, but after 20 years it finally dawned on me that the only one doing the thoughtful things was me for ‘her’ and when I finally stood up for myself she told me to ‘get the fuck out’. I had no voice and was painfully aware of the fact when I went back the first time, working hard for the past two years to keep her happy, but in keeping her happy I seemed to be losing more of myself. It was Christmas and I was about to be a homeless old lady and there was only one thing I could do if. In that way, Amber called her Mrs H in public and mum when alone. It worked out well because Amber discovered that she had a liking for women Mrs H‘s age, and actually didn’t mind calling her mum.So, although they had a girlfriend loving relationship, it also had a mother-daughter side to it. In fact, Mrs H was happy enough doing all the normal maternal things, although Amber did sometimes find her a little too overbearing on that side. For instance, Mrs H would sometimes criticise the even more skimpy clothes that Amber would wear, tell her off if disagreeing with one of her friends saying she was older and knew better, and also got her to do more and more housework even though she was a rent-paying student.Today, Amber reckoned that Mrs H went too far by telling her off in front of her friends. Mrs H’s friends laughed, but, when they had gone, Amber glared at Mrs H, with her hands on her hips, and then wagged a finger in her face, explaining that even daughters of her age shouldn’t.
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