Julie Rivington's visit was not improving his mood, either. She was nattering on about some nitpicky changes to nonessential documents pertaining to a trivial matter. He wanted to tell her to piss off, but there was a strong chance she'd be his boss some day, if Kurt didn't find an excuse to fire him first. So he sat and listened and murmured agreement while picturing her roasting in hell.The fantasy was going along nicely when Julie stopped in mid-sentence, flapped her hand in front of her face and complained that it was getting a bit hot.Steve blinked, trying to decide if she'd really said that or his daydream had jumped the tracks.Apparently it was in reality. Julie tugged her scarf's knot apart and even undid a few buttons of her blouse.It didn't seem all that warm to Steve. He wondered if his fantasies had taken on powers like a voodoo doll. If that was the case, he'd stay up nights thinking of bullets smashing Kurt's chest. The thought made him smile.Julie broke into his. Our relationship. Our future. I left her no way out. On Friday, I would probably know if we had any future.I thought about who I was and what I wanted. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved her. I wasn't sure myself and so it was better not to mislead her if I had lost that love. How would I know? I once read that the test for love was to imagine your life without your partner. Divorce, death, whatever reason ... how would I carry on?Could I get past her deceit those many years ago and forgive her? At first I didn't think so. But now ... now I'm not so certain. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't make it right at this late date. Could I live with that as well? She had to admit to her sin before I could decide. She had to acknowledge that she had inflicted another deep wound in me.And what about this act I had performed. The new, dominant Howard Carver. It was an act. I knew that. Could I sustain it? I doubted it. Perhaps.
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