She shuttles behind me, presses her head into my back and laces her arms through my armpits. She says, “Please, don’t look at me.” I comply and say, “If you are uncomfortable, you do not need to come to my bed.” Keymie nods and quickly bathes me. I’d like to say that for the rest of the week I finish my shower before Keymie enters the room, but I can’t say that. Later Keymie hears me screaming in the shower, she calls the police and I am back in the hospital. Doctors ‘practice’ medicine. With antidepressants, it really is a guessing game. Some antidepressants work for some people, others work for different people. Sometimes they need to be adjusted, changed, or for the most part given more time to get into your system. The typical time to start experiencing the full effects of an antidepressant is six to eight weeks. Mine need more time. My sister picks me up from the hospital and asks about Keymie. I say that she is a neighbor that cooks for me. That night Keymie is in the shower. I am not going to switch horses in midstream."Somehow, that didn't allay my fears! Ellie seemed to be saying she was stuck with me and would make the best of the hand she was dealt. I felt like I was the goddamn joker in the deck and she had drawn me. The next step was the discard pile.I felt anger and fear as my face flushed and my hands clenched. I turned around and left the room before I said something even dumber, or started bawling like a baby. I was just beginning to realize how much the situation worried me. I decided to hop in my pickup and go for a ride. That always helped me relax and think things through. As I was climbing into the truck I heard Ellie calling to me, but I pretended I didn't. I drove down the road.I was back in half an hour. I knew that if I didn't show for dinner, the girls would be worried. There was no reason for my insecurities to affect them.Dinner was a little strained, but the girls were chatting so much that they didn't seem to notice how quiet.
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