I hated having to do it, and I especially hated having to be the bearer of these particular bad tidings. She'd beat herself up for not having been there, even with her mom as out of it as she'd been, and I was the reason she hadn't been able to be there.She took it about as hard as I'd expected. I told her as gently as I could, making sure I said "passed away" instead of the harsher "died"—I never have understood why it matters, they mean the same thing, but it does to most people—and her face seemed to freeze except for the tears that started trickling down her cheeks. I tried to take her in my arms for comfort, but she pushed me away."Not now, Jackie," she said in a tremulous voice. "Just leave me be for a little while, OK? I need to be alone right now," she added when I just stood there feeling stupid and useless. I left the room, and behind me I could hear the lock on the door click.The rest of the afternoon went by, and all evening. I had no idea what to do. It was our bedroom. Well he doesn’t use them, says he doesn’t like them.’ ‘So you got on the pill. And then you and Julian began fucking?’ I moved the phone aside so I could blow my nose. Again I was surprised that he would talk this way about ‘fucking.’ Not offended, just surprised. He said things in such a natural, quiet manner that no one could be offended. And it was the way Julian and I spoke about things, so why not? ‘Yes.’ ‘Was he your first?’ ‘Yes. For fucking. But not blowjobs.’ ‘How many before him for those?’ ‘For sucking? Just two guys.’ I almost added ‘I’m not a slut’ but caught myself first. This was therapy, and John was a professional. I didn’t want to be defensive. ‘One was my boyfriend sophomore year. But then he moved away. Then this other guy my junior and senior year until I met Julian. But we were just friends.’ ‘Did they like your blowjobs?’ ‘Yeah. I think so anyway. It seemed like it.’ ‘But you think Julian doesn’t like them…or at least he doesn’t love them the way you want him.
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