The consequence of this is that now I feel turned on by any cute girl that I see. I don't like this situation but it's a fact and it leads to very embarrassing situations (for me).I think I'm a foot fetish and I surprised myself staring more and more often at women's feet in the subway. That's more discrete that staring at their breasts or looking them straight in the eyes !I think that's another consequence of my non existent sex-life.Going to the point.There is a girl at work who is a trainee. And I've been chosen to watch over her and help her in her work. Because she was completely left alone by people who were supposed to explain the job to her she called me "her savior" when I came and helped her. I know I'm not actually the savior of anyone but it was definitely a boost for my ego !So I spent some time with her (not alone) during lunch breaks and after that in her open space when we had some technical subjects to discuss. I came to really appreciate her and her little craziness. I mean right in the middle of my brain. The vile, obscene bastard probed me somehow. I felt whatever power the beast possessed ripple through my thoughts. More than a physical sensation, I tasted metal and could smell something like burnt toast. A second or two later a chasm opened in my guts and I experienced the same dreadful ache I’d known when I lost my parents, the terror I’d felt at fourteen, bereaved and all alone. Then, it stepped back a pace and melted into shadow. The next I knew it had gone and I’d managed to stagger into the temporary comfort of the street. Then I became aware, like waking from a bad dream, that I was crying, sobbing really, and that I’d wet myself. The residue of that event, like a sigh from the sewers, stayed with me. I can smell the stink of it now. Of course insomnia and paranoia followed in its wake. I tried to convince myself that I’d seen a fox, a cat, anything other than that awful fucking thing … Every time I closed my eyes and tried to sleep I’d.
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