I whipped my T-shirt off and decided to try it on. I threw my arms into the long sleeves and started buttoning it up, looking into my mirror. I was about to unbutton my pants and tuck the shirt in, before reconsidering how it looked untucked.I looked pretty good, I decided, but something brought me back in front of the closet, considering other options again.“Jake, looks like Jen’s here!” Mom called from the kitchen.“Shit!” I swore from my bedroom. She was early.“Language, Jake!” Mom admonished with a laugh.“Sorry, be right there!”It was too late to change now. I sighed, trying to relax myself, wondering why I was so nervous. I grinned then, imagining Jen felt the same nervousness before I visited her Saturday.With that in mind, I slipped out of my room and saw through the family room window that Jen had made the turn from the long driveway to the approach to the house.She parked out front and shut the Bronco down. I could see her relax her shoulders and take a deep breath to calm. So whilst you indulge yourself in girlie ecstasy and effeminacy, there is this common discomforting interface with the real world as you repeatedly peek through the blinds, or from behind the curtains lest she arrive home earlier than expected. The guilt builds up and conflates with an intense shame.“Boys and men don’t dress up in stockings and women’s underwear and masturbate.” “Why does feeling all girlie and effeminate feel so good?”“I must be some kind of depraved pervert, a queer, a fag”. “What would she say, and do, if she caught you?”You start to develop dark imagery of being caught, exposed and humiliated. They fill you with intense fear but, through constant association with the sensual and emotional girlie pleasures you’re immersed in, and the erotic ecstasy of pleasuring yourself and slowly bring yourself to climax, they conflate into a kind of dark fantasy which arouses you. After you’ve climaxed, with the erotic arousal spent, you suddenly see yourself not as the girl.
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