It’s my choice, though, every time. Understanding the cause and effect of personal responsibility is not a guarantee of happy living. I still smell like puke and that’s what decides it. I throw myself into the routine. The water hits me like rain from heaven and the shower is a moment, just an instant, where I’m concentrating more on what’s going on around me than the riotous, neurotic milkshake that keeps getting blended and reblended in my mind. I think about how in ‘Bringing Out the Dead,’ the main character washes his face in that girl’s bathroom with three different kinds of soap, ‘each one smelling like a different season,’ and I smile, because I thought I understood when I heard that. Maybe I did. I don’t know, anymore. I didn’t bother with shaving, because some days it’s just too much fucking work and I always cut myself. I step from the shower, squeaky clean and cold in the winter air, steaming like a baby just born in the arctic, minus the afterbirth. And the beautiful. We watched more movies and as the movies went on, I asked if she wanted a massage and she said she was alright, but I insisted and gave her one anyway-which she couldn't refuse. She gave me a kiss and as soon as I knew it, we were making out. I told her we could wait until later for sex, but she insisted that we could do it. I asked, "would you like me to use a condom?" "It doesn't matter," she said. I didn't want her to get pregnant so I drove to the nearest convenience store to pick a pack of condoms. As soon as I returned to my apartment, she was laying there on the bed with only her ivory panties and bra-like a slender vixen, more like a Japanese schoolgirl-she was 22 years old. I started kissing her again and she slowly undressed me-I was in a daze because of how beautiful she was in the dim light emanating from my lamp near my sink, which was the only light that was on. I began to lick her neck, she moaned, then slowly moved my tongue on her breasts while fondling her.
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