. brr, brrr ... brr, b ... I stood next to him listening to the ring tone. My mouth was dry and I could feel my pulse racing as we waited.The ring tone suddenly stopped and I shivered as I heard Rob speak, "Hello, Gary"?The thought raced through my mind that it wasn't too late to pull out of this arrangement. I discounted that idea immediately.My God! Were we really doing this!I had feelings of trepidation and even of fear, but I also had feelings of excitement and lust.Rob's conversation was very brief. "He'll be here in ten minutes and then we'll go to his place", he told me.I drank a mouthful of water. I suddenly wondered if I looked alright and hurried to the bathroom mirror. I had an urge for the toilet. I sat down then immediately stood up again and busied myself with tidying the room. I was a bundle of nerves and Rob laughed about it.Suddenly there was the sound of a car outside. I gave an involuntary little cry but Rob looking out of the window said that it was only some other. I'm kind of sorry to not be able to stick around and see the results. Hell, it is going to be spectacular. I wonder how many days the story will make it on the front page before someone else does something even more spectacular.I guess you could say that I'm being used. But I don't know if that's true either. See, the way I see it, I'm using them. The fact that they'll survive and I won't is beside the point. You see, I want to die. Yep, it's true. I want to die. I have no reason to go on living and no one will miss me.My foster parents? Yeah right. They'll be happy I'm not eating everything in sight, and they'll probably hope that no one at DCFS catches on so they can keep cashing the check I generate every month. Friends, who would want to be my friend? I move so much, thanks to DCFS, that making friends is a no win proposition. Now I just keep everybody away, be an asshole, or whatever works. I've lost too many friends already, I don't need any more.I found these guys I'm helping.
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