He made me laugh when I needed to laugh most - and I had been in love with him since shortly after we met. I had never said anything to him - I was always afraid I'd scare him away, the same way the other women who went for him always did. He'd date them for a few days, or a week to be polite, and wait for them to get frustrated with his backwardness and leave. He would never make the first move, and eventually the fact that he hadn't even tried to take their hands by the end of the week irritated them completely. Each time it happened I knew it hurt him, although he did seem to be trying to drive them away.I was determined not to make the same mistake. I am not a patient person by nature, but I knew that to have any hope with him, I'd have to sit back and wait. Being friends with him was almost impossible at times. He liked to flirt and tease, and he had no idea how much that hurt me - to flirt with him, and smile, and know he had no idea the fires he stoked up inside me every time.. And Spook said my own name never once came up in their communications.Still, the possibility of some kind of repeat continued to nag at me. Risking myself to that possibility was one thing, and that much I could live with. But extending the risk to Lee, to little Johnnie, was, as I'd told Richard, something else entirely; it was a decision I couldn't make alone.In the end I figured the only thing to do was lay it out plainly to Lee and let her decide, and that's what I did. I told her it was her call.She shook her head. "No, Jackie," she said. "When did you stop being part of this family? When did you quit being my husband, and Johnnie's father? You can't throw it off to me, we need to make that decision." Honey, I can't do that," I responded miserably. "I've been making the decisions, more or less, and look what I did to us this last time. What I did to you and John. What I got you into. I damn close to got you both killed! How can I trust myself? How can you trust me?" So you dump.
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