But inside me there was this desire to be that beautiful flower, just like Jennifer was. To be caught up in that whimsical flight of fancy. Of being totally and completely "girl". I was in love with the thought of it and in love with love itself.It sure looked like she had really gone well out of her way to look extra pretty that day. But for me? I could only dream of being the object of her affection, she had so many other friends. Looking at how attractive she was started stirring up all these romantic, dreamy feelings again. It was too embarrassing for me to admit to being such a tomboy. Too hard to admit being afraid of being a girl, of not knowing what it was all about. But desperately wanting someone other than mother to help me sort things out. Someone I could trust. Someone like Jenny.Maybe, I wondered, if I dropped some subtle hints, would she figure out what I really wanted? The only question left was... how?"Jenny? Do you think boys would... uh... think I was... well.... I could still move, but I didn’t try to get my wife’s attention. She was in the other room. I was scared stupid, but If I was having a stroke I’d rather it kill me than adding another level of disability. I don’t want a life as a vegetable in a home.On the Night Of Hell they thought I was having a stroke and gave me a shot that they charged me personally, not the insurance company because I don’t have any, me personally over $98,000 dollars for. That’s just for the medicine in the syringe. Not giving the shot, nothing else. I still owe $40,000 on that shot. A charity picked up the rest. I can’t add more medical bills to my family when I have no way to pay them and have no honest expectations of being around long enough to figure a way of doing it. I hope to be here, but I won’t swear to it like I would have prior to the NOH.As I said, I was terrified and didn’t have anyone to turn to. It sucks to be in that situation and to be alone. Since I had resigned myself to my fate I decided.
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