"Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil."Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."Dear Family & Friends,I am sorry that I have not been consistently responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF). For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.Symptoms include, but may. It took me a second to realize what it was.“Wait,” I said. “Are you jacking off?”“Oh shit,” Johan said, “I can’t help it—”“That’s gross!”“Did you think it was gross when we were fucking?”“For shit’s sake!”“Just let me finish!”“What the hell? No!” I yelled, and I hung up the phone. Then, before he could call back, I scrambled to block Johan’s number. From what I could tell, the block went through just in time.I just stared at my phone and tried to calm my nerves. I felt dirty for even having taken the call. I was almost tempted to throw the phone against the wall, but I forced myself not to.The bathroom door creaked open. “Is everything okay in there?” came Luke’s voice.I turned to see Chad and Luke staring back at me. “Yeah,” I said. I wasn’t sure what to say at first. “It’s just... just drama from back home.”“Shit,” Luke said. “Are your parents having trouble?”I looked at Chad, and I tried to read his expression. Then I looked back at Luke. “No,” I said. “They’re.
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