I saw the barn and jumped off to pull the door open. I took the saddle off and put some grain in the feedbag for Paint — he'd sure earned it. As I pulled the heavy barn door closed, my life as I knew it ended.I heard the heavy roar of a shotgun, barely muffled by the wind, and knew it was my dad's twelve gauge. From the sound, I knew it was both barrels. I stumbled through the drifting snow, scared now. I knew dad kept the gun on the rack on the kitchen wall and he always kept it loaded. An eerie keening sound drew me towards my folk's bedroom. It was an unearthly sound, not anything that could be made by a sane person.I got to the open door of the bedroom and froze in shock. My mom was in bed with Bill Curtis — he owned a big ranch some miles south of us — both of them naked and both of them... very dead. I could see what happened: my dad had tried to kill Mr. Curtis but in his agony he forgot what both barrels could do. Mr. Curtis was most blown in two but mom had caught enough of. .. Beca. You don’t have to do that. We can just focus on the girls in our lives.”“Is it because I was a boy?”“No! Kitten, never. You have never been a boy to me. And you never will be. But not one of my girlfriends ever has to do something against her nature. I know you prefer girls. You don’t have to have sex with me to prove you are a girlfriend, too,” I said.“I would,” she whispered.“Beca...”“I know I said I was lesbian and I truly believe I am, Jacob. But maybe not quite as much as I once was. That’s part of what transition did for me. When I had one, I hated penises. And since they were attached to boys and boys had always been mean to me, I hated boys, too. But I don’t have a penis to hate now. I guess surgery enabled me to separate my hatred of my own genitalia from my feelings about boys in general. And you specifically,” she said.“Beca, all I can say is that I love you. I fell in love with you long before I knew you were transitioning. Maybe because you are so small, that.
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