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On the one hand, it turned me on like I had neverexpected. On the other hand, I was experiencing a lot of conflict withmy sexuality. I will say in those days, that I would have more than abit of anxiety thinking that I was gay. I was more than a bit ignorantof the transgender scene, which was non-existent in my home town as faras I knew, and the internet was not as sophisticated as it is now. Itmay sound odd, or contradictory, but I guess I convinced myself that ifI was a woman, it would not be so wrong, but I was a man. In any event,I was pretty sure that I had taken my walk on the wild side and spentsome time overcompensating for it. A nice fantasy to use, but notsomething I would repeat. I would walk down the street desperatelytrying to make sure that I was attracted to every woman that went by.Unfortunately, my period of real chastity didn't last all that long.After a few weeks of trying to be very macho, I reverted back to beingmore feminine, at least in private. In. But in his dark room, with no sense of morning or evening, days, weeks, months all felt the same. Endless. After being unchained from the wall, Catharine no longer came to visit. She watched him though, he found the camera on a thorough inspection of his room. Two, actually, so there were no blind spots. She’d speak with him as well, her sensual voice floating out of the walls into his ears. He’d begged and pleaded for her to show herself, but it was to no avail, Catharine was as elusive as ever. Yet, through all this, he still craved her. His cravings, longings, musings were something he’d come to hate. He’d hear her voice and his insides would melt, butterflies would fill his stomach. ‘Catharine,’ he spoke into his empty cell, ‘I love you, I need you, please, please come to me!’ Sometimes he thought he heard her laugh, light and sweet, other times he was certain he’d become delusional. She’d left him a note pad and a pen, on which he scribbled love notes, and occasionally sketches.
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