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Chapter 4: Spiraling out of control A fear stronger then anything else I have ever felt overwhelmed my senses. Chris really had gone off the deep end. The anger was no act, it wasn’t even anger. This was pure rage and it was all focused on me. For the first time in my life I was completely out of control. In my self serving desire to quench my lusting thirst I had empowered a man who was now hell bent on my humiliation and desecration. Yielding absolute power over me the wild mind that I knew Chris possessed suddenly scared me to the bone. In the years we have been exchanging emails Chris and I have traded an enormous number of fantasies back and forth. Sometimes we would both read a story and talk about where we would have liked to see the story go. Sometimes we would discuss new ideas that one of us had come up with. On several occasions Chris had emailed me an idea that was so dark it was hard for even me to read. He always shrugged it off as being phrased wrong or. So . . . we parted company.’ But it hadn’t been that easy. When she told him she could not, in good conscience, marry him knowing she would never give him children, he was heartbroken. Stephen begged and pleaded with her to reconsider having a family. ‘Didn’t Stephen suggest that you adopt if you couldn’t or wouldn’t have children of your own?’ Barbara asked. ‘Yes. Although I never told him, I would have been willing to adopt, but I loved Stephen too much to ask him to give up what he wanted most – a child of his own flesh and blood . Besides, children were not the only issue.’ She had wanted more than anything to be Stephen’s wife. In her mind, though, there had been too much working against them. She thought they didn’t stand a chance. . Barbara reflected, ‘Stephen never seemed bothered by the ten year difference in your ages.’ ‘That’s true,’ Cathryn replied, ‘But I was afraid that one day he would feel differently.’ She knew that if he left her for a younger woman, the pain.
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