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Getting my hands on her tits was a dream come true, and fucking her on Dr. Crumholtz's desk? That was unbelievable. And for Dr. Crumholtz to apologize to me afterwards? This would have been a dream, except the exhaust fumes wafting in through the dashboard vents were all too real.Maybe it was getting stuck next to the sporting goods store with lycra-wearing female mannequins in the window, or the dark-haired young woman who jaywalked right in front of my car and stared at me as she passed by, but the memories of my first opportunity to play doctor as a grown-up came rushing back. It wasn't that long ago, during Annie's senior year when she was on the volleyball team. Annie had no idea she was setting me up.Annie had attended Samuel Morse High School. The boys' teams were all called The Dashes; the girls' teams The Dots. The phallic and clitoral analogies had long since played out in my mind. It was the last volleyball game of the year for the Morse Dots. It was Annie's last chance to. Every great advancement in human civilization, from fire to philosophy to the electric guitar, can be understood as some combination of trying to fleece or fuck one's fellow man. And no single pursuit has more perfectly encapsulated the meeting place of those two great ideals than that of Magic.Magic, as dreamed by the men and women who slavishly pursue it, is the ultimate expression of doing whatever the fuck you want. Not a fan of aging? Boom, twenty-six forever. Gravity would prefer you stay on the ground? Fuck you Gravity, we're flying up in this bitch. Your neighbor somehow hasn't transformed into a snail yet? Well I hope he's ready for a one-way ticket to Snailsville, because that's where he's headed. And despite pouring over countless moldy tomes, swearing fealty to endless secret cults and who knows how many blood sacrifices, nothing has ever come of any of this rigorous inquiry besides allergy flare ups, costly cult membership dues and bloodstains that are almost impossible.
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