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“He wanted to be cuckolded – experience jealousy, uncertainty – some such rubbish.”Crystal looked shocked.“Yes,” I said to her. “He’s twisted.”I drew a breath and looked at Rachel, who looked gratefully at me and nodded. This time the communication was not lost on the parents.“You were the other man,” said Gordon, beginning to look annoyed.“Yes and no,” I replied. “He conned Rachel and me into meeting. Neither of us wanted to do that, but we reckoned if I refused, he would find someone else and keep badgering her.“So we came up with a cunning plan worthy of Baldrick in Blackadder, but without the turnip.”They laughed: everyone knew about Blackadder. I continued.“Gary would think I was sleeping with Rachel, but in fact we would do platonic things – we went to concerts, theatre, restaurants, etc. She went home and lied to him that we’d had riotous sex. At first he loved it.”The parents’ faces! Stupefied initially, then grins appeared and Crystal cackled, then Gordon guffawed.“That’s. “I'm sorry. But you don't laugh much, do you? Blokes usually think I'm funny. They laugh at things I say. Specially when they're trying to get in my knickers. You don't even react.”“Maybe I'm shy,” I said.“Pfft!” she scoffed. “Mind you, that would explain Mr Floppy. Do you like my perfume?” she added, for a change of direction.“Very nice,” I said. “But I'd rather smell you.”“What? Perfume costs a bomb and that's what it's for, to make us smell good.”“I would rather smell your skin,” I reiterated popping my nose between her breasts and into an armpit. “It's great, and you're obviously very careful about these things. But I'd rather smell you than Issey Miyake's idea of what you should be like. Or Mum's no-white-marks roll-on.”Arlene was taken aback and also aware of the danger of this turning into a very unsexy dispute.“You want me to have a quick shower?” she offered.“I'll come with you,” I said, and we trooped awkwardly into the en-suite.Arlene knew the spots to concentrate on and I.
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