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So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep. He was so goddamn confident, it pissed me off. I thought about it and decided to back out of the second bet, "look, I take it back, I don't want to make another bet, she's more than a bit tipsy and may not know what she's doing." Oh ho, not so confidant now, are you? Well, a bet's a bet, and I'm not letting you back out. I'm going to fuck her tonight whether we have a bet or not." You do and you're minced meat." I paused, and reluctantly said, "OK, I'll stick by my word, and the bet."Ron and Peggy spent the better part of the next 2 hours on the dance floor, with Ron getting progressively braver as time wore on. Peggy had tried to get me up on the dance floor several times, but I had to make a lame excuse about a sore ankle, as Ron smirked.Peggy was enjoying Ron's attention much more than I thought she should have been, she being a married woman. In fact, due to the alcohol that she had consumed and his constant flattery and attention, she eventually became oblivious to my presence. I.
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