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The house money was still sitting in the escrow company, not doing anybody any good. The lawyer filled me in on where I stood, and advised me to write Ellen a letter and propose a reasonable offer for the fair distribution of our assets.I sat down in my apartment that night and made a list of all of the assets. The money in the banks, the businesses, the house sale money and my interest in several pieces of land that Ray and I jointly owned. I tried to value the land fairly, not at our cost, but at what I thought they were each worth. I figured the furniture was Ellen's and also her car. I kept my car out of the equation also. We had $96,400.00 in cash, savings and the checking account if I included the money at the escrow company. I figured my businesses and equipment were worth another $100,000, and my share of the properties came to $45,000.00. So counting up everything it came to $241,400.00. I sent her a registered letter later that week with an itemized valuation of our assets. “Oh, son, I don’t think it’s acceptable in 2020 to have whips like these for the animals,” she chided.“Tough shit!” I responded, having no good comeback for that one.“Language, Steve-O!” Mom huffed.I sighed.“Where’s the hole in this red rubber ball? How do you wear it as a clown’s nose?”“Mom, let’s just…”“Ooh, what are these tiny little clamps for?” she asked, picking up the new nipple clamps I’d bought for my gal.“Those are nail clippers, Ma!” Hey, her sight is failing too, she might believe that!Then she saw the Hitachi wand. “Oh, what a nice powerful back massager!” she exclaimed.“That’s to massage the St. Bernards, they have thick hair,” I said, shaking my head as she continued farther into the dungeon.“Honey is that a dentist’s chair? Are you studying to be a dentist?” she asked.Huh?“Yes, sure Mom, do-it-yourself dentistry is the latest rage!” I lied.“Jesus is missing from that cross, Steve-O,” she chastised.“He’s out preaching, Mom!” I said, exasperated.“There’s my sleep mask!”.
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