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How canthat be?But, after all, who understands love? Not even science can explainattraction like this. All that I knew is that I have to be with Scott,and I need to make him love me back.I must have always been gay. I know that now. It must have been deepinside me - repressed - just waiting for a trigger to open it up. He wasthat trigger.But he is not gay. He can never love me the way that I need to be lovedby him. He wants to please me. I am not just his boss. He wantssomething of all the skills that I have. The truth is that he will neverbe a great chef, but he could be a very good one. But I cannot tell himthat. I just cannot afford to lose him. I can never blurt out the way Ifeel. He would leave in terror.Until he came into my kitchen my life was so normal, but now it is inpieces. There is that sense of joy that love can bring, but how can yoube happy when you face the impossible?Diary Entry 4It is done, and I am still alive - but only just.I had the opportunity. Carol would still be wearing the T shirt and by now had taken her bra off. One early morning after we'd had some wine and smoked some pot, I said, "We all need to go to bed." We went into his bedroom. We got in bed, Carol in between us. I said to Carol "Go ahead and kiss him, you know you want to." She turned to John and gave him a hot tongue kiss and a tight embrace. Without talking all of us got undressed. Carol looked incredible, Firm breasts, a great ass and a body built for sex. John was tall and thin. His cock was hard and pointing straight up. At first we didn't know what to do next. Carol broke the ice by first passionately tongue kissing me and rubbing her body on mine. Then she did the same to John. John and I shared an awkward cock to cock hug. John and I were at her sides and started caressing her breasts then running our hands all over her. He put his finger in her and I could hear the wetness. He finger fucked her until she was moaning. We were both rubbing our pricks.
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