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Looking back, there were signs early that I was not like other boys. I canrecall taking an action figure and stealing Barbie clothes fromneighboring girls to dress him in. Sadly, about the time when I might havereally been able to start sorting me out, I was exposed to a rapist, andspent two years in Hell.Part of what happened to me was he justified his attacks on me because ofmy feminine side. He made me so afraid of my desire to be female that iburied it until I was approaching puberty. Then the sense of wrongness,the horrible feeling that somehow, I was going in the wrong directionbecame overwhelming. But I kept it hidden as best as I could.Then I became a Christian. This made my conflict even stronger, as I wasinducted into a conservative branch of the faith, and felt sure that myneed for the feminine was a sin. This lead to a cycle of "binging" -getting girl clothes and trying to be as female as I could, followed byguilt and "purging" where I would get rid of everything, only to. “What were you curious about me?”I wished for the conversation to cease, but she was adamant.“I wanted to feel you…” I managed to utter, “…there.”This time she was speechless, or rather, she didn’t know how to ask me anything else or even what to ask. I figured that it probably sounded better that I wanted to feel her than if I had said that I wanted to feel a female body part. I had inadvertently made my curiosity more personal rather than making it sound like she was just a representation of what I was after. It seemed more meaningful to say she was the target of my curiosity than to say that my curiosity was for a female, any female.She leaned forward and whispered, “You wanted to feel ME. But I am your aunt!”I realized the brilliance of my statement when I heard that and it dawned on me that I had actually pulled myself out of the minus side to plus side. I didn’t have to say anything. My silence was quite effective. She lay back on the cot and I could feel her thoughts jumping.
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