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They don't shout orders at me, when they tell me to do things they speak quietly, clearly but firmly. Yes, they cane me but from their point of view, I deserve it is because I have not done something I have been told to do or not done it as willingly or as carefully as I should have done. There's always a reason. I can't agree, of course, but when I reflect on the circumstances of the incident, there is always a reason, from their point of view.Then there is the humiliation of having to charge my collar each night. The socket I have to use is about three feet from the floor of my cell, over by the door. The power cable is quite short, so I have to kneel. I kneel to forge one of the chains that binds me. I do it night after night after night. I thought of trying to electrocute myself on the cable once but it is too thick to tear open and the plug slides into a deep, close-fitting socket. There is no opportunity for my fingers to touch the live contacts. So, I have become complicit in. Of course I had never had a boyfriend. I had friends who were boys but they were just friends. I'm sure a few of them would have wanted more but I think most understood I wasn't interested in them that way. But by now I was getting pressure from my family. I'd get asked (particularly by my mother and sister) if there were any boys I was interested in and when I'd invite someone over to the house. Just as a side note, I'm probably the only girl I can think of who was encouraged by her mother to date, get her ears pierced and wear makeup. I remember friends telling me of fights they had had with their parents over those issues and the parents always saying no as a way to keep their daughters under their control. I think my family eventually figured out there was something different about me and, because I had waited so long and never brought up the issues, started encouraging me to do those things. Anyway, back to the subject. I didn't go to my junior prom. No one asked and I wasn't.
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