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The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... ??WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.AWESOME!!!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently. "I like to think it was mutual. Don't interrupt me again," she said withmenace, "but like I was saying, after our breakup I discovered I had...rather special talents. The how is not important, the fact is, I can dopretty much anything I want." You're still a crazy bitch, couldn't you have fixed that?" I shouted."You're going to pay for that one, Jay." She giggled, winking at me. Ifelt a massive pain in my crotch, when I looked I noticed it was visiblysmaller. About half the size it once was."What the hell!" I shouted.My fling had become visibly distraught. "What the hell is going on?" shescreamed."Shut your mouth," Vikki yelled angrily, my fling's mouth shut instantly."Jesus, you don't even know her name, huh?" she asked me. "But I guess Ican't blame you for that, she's the whore that went back with you."She turned to her, "So, nameless slut, how do you feel about me callingyou a whore? You can speak now." Fuck you," she spat.Vikki just laughed malevolently. "We're going to have to.
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